I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
this will be a night to untag.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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