Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
