Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
