this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
