Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
operation have a gay friend backfired
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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