so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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