I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
