I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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