Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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