you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish life had little blips of pornography
do herpes really smell.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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