I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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