last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
