meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
