i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
