I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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