i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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