Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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