If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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