i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize