I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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