Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
