my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
