he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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