Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
