I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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