slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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