you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
