My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
