420 ftw
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
