My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
