omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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