You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
