Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
