If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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