update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
