No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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