Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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