all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
