I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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