Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
