there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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