i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
