Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize