shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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