Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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