Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize