ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
