I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
