he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
