Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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