its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
