As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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