just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
