I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize