We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
