Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The best revenge is premature balding
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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