If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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