The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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